Something sinks in Claudius’s chest when he realizes: for months he’d prepared himself to answer that question, if anyone caught word of it without his telling and came to ask after his well-being, but no one ever did until he broke down during Dark. Because word didn’t catch, but even when it did, those who knew chose not to mention it — he sees that now. And he has to hush that wounded child him that cries they didn’t ask because it didn’t matter to them. It didn’t matter how he felt, whether he was better, whether he was safe, but when had it ever? Now, face to face, he can’t give his rehearsed answer.
He laughs humorlessly. “Thou wilt have to understand,” he says, “that in the beginning, the mansion was a more lonesome place. Someone like Luo Binghe in a place of forty people with assorted powers and divine relations isn’t the unquestionable victor of any battle you could conceive. When there were fewer of us, it was rather easier to call. In smaller social settings, I’ve something of a sense for these things — it’s helped me survive. I know who can and cannot be confronted. So for most of my time here, I’ve been practicing my best avoidance. Plenty of material of the trauma workbooks, I can tell thee: finding every way not to contend with fear that comes from living alongside one’s torturer, well aware nothing could stop him if he had it in his head to do it again. I sent him after his current partner, in hopes that either his fortunes or misfortunes in love would distract him enough to build a fragile peace. And it’s worked to a point. Now all of Shen Yuan’s friends are safe from Luo Binghe’s rages. But I don’t count among them — a fact which I have a number of feelings about, but can’t really begrudge. It’s thanks to Shen Yuan I found a way to protect myself from further parasites. The same plant that grew his body will grow a preventative and a cure.”
no subject
He laughs humorlessly. “Thou wilt have to understand,” he says, “that in the beginning, the mansion was a more lonesome place. Someone like Luo Binghe in a place of forty people with assorted powers and divine relations isn’t the unquestionable victor of any battle you could conceive. When there were fewer of us, it was rather easier to call. In smaller social settings, I’ve something of a sense for these things — it’s helped me survive. I know who can and cannot be confronted. So for most of my time here, I’ve been practicing my best avoidance. Plenty of material of the trauma workbooks, I can tell thee: finding every way not to contend with fear that comes from living alongside one’s torturer, well aware nothing could stop him if he had it in his head to do it again. I sent him after his current partner, in hopes that either his fortunes or misfortunes in love would distract him enough to build a fragile peace. And it’s worked to a point. Now all of Shen Yuan’s friends are safe from Luo Binghe’s rages. But I don’t count among them — a fact which I have a number of feelings about, but can’t really begrudge. It’s thanks to Shen Yuan I found a way to protect myself from further parasites. The same plant that grew his body will grow a preventative and a cure.”